Heaven Smiling Down

As some of you know, I have been on both an emotional rollercoaster and bouncing yo-yo as I have struggled with the idea of having another child. I have paralyzing self-doubts as well as the tendancy to over-analyze everything. In October my husband and I collectively decided to stop using birth control. That lasted a couple of weeks, and I had to revert back to my baby-free comfort zone. This was also about the time that I started working again.

In January I felt a heightened urgency to quit my job to be home with Kylie, a feeling that had been building from day one. She is in kindergarten in the mornings and was being picked up by daycare, which she really didn't like. My mantra of "Just dig in and do what needs to be done" was waning. My body and soul was in a state of dis-ease. The intensity increased week by week. I finally took the leap of faith to announce to my employer that I would not be working there much longer and they needed to find a replacement. An instant feeling of relief came over me and a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I still have moments where I think I must be insane giving up a job when so many people are struggling to find one or hold on to the one they have. My part-time income made it possible to double and sometimes triple our monthly student loan payment.

Fast forward a couple weeks and I am training my replacement at work. I run into the office after I drop Kylie off at school, then leave in time to pick her up from school, and I'm done for the day. On our way home today I got a call from my husband saying that he had good and bad news. The bad news was that it cost $75 to change the oil in his car (after Jiffy Lube tacked on all sorts of random things). The good news was he just got a call from his boss who had a lot of positive things to say about his work. His boss was happy to announce that he was giving Brian a raise--$5,000 a year!--which would be applied retroactively. My first thought was that this sort of raise is unheard of during these times and we are truly blessed. My next thought was more like a statement made to my heart: Heavenly Father is happy with my decision to stay home to care for my family, and He is providing an opportunity for Brian to make up the extra money so that we can continue with our financial plans (which He apparently also approves of).

I also wonder if He is also happy that I've decided to be brave and stop the birth control again. I am painfully aware of my inadequacies and plead that He will make up for what I lack. Today I felt Heaven smiling down. Here's to what the future may hold.